alarm call

so here we are in this hospital room. my dad constantly keeps checking the drains to see if they are clogged again. i am sleepless for days and i am tired of telling him not to touch the drains that much. i tell him he is risking infection. i tell him he should let go for an hour at least and try doing something else. then the pain comes and he cramps in the bed and there is nothing i can do to change this picture but call for the snob doctors. they come and do their little tricks and i see my dad a little relieved from the pain. doctors tell us that it is a rare situation, when body rejects it, it rejects it. but since all these bloody tubes and drains are temporary, i say lets don't get stuck in this moment, okey dad; we will be out of here and you will not remember any of these. but he is not there, he doesn't want to. in fact, when i try to cheer him up and tell him he looks fine he gets a little offended. so i kind of put the blame on my father about this "rejection" and late recovery. i say "he always makes things difficult for himself" and i go on like "he likes drama, he feeds on it."

i beg him once more not to touch the drains with his dirty hands. i got up and clean his hand from blood and other bodily fluids. as i clean his fingers i got upset with myself for being so cruel to him, even in my own private thoughts. i tell him we will be out this friday, you heard what the doctors said. he resists the idea of getting better and leaving the hospital for some reason i don't understand. then i got angry with him once again. this time i show it a little.

right in that moment, i can't describe how much i wanted to tell him daddy just let go for once in your life time. just let go and try not to fix it. you are only making it worse; and how badly i craved to shout at his face "snap out of it please, you are way too depressed!"...

funny the things we want to say to people, the closest ones like our dads or our lovers, are sometimes the exact things that we actually need to say to ourselfs.

everything has been kind of off lately. and i have been waiting for too long. but for this particular period of my life, i think all i have to do is NOTHING and let the pieces fall into their places and remain positive as much as i can.

all i have to do is keep smiling and keep believing everything's going to be alright.

alright?